Becoming an End-of-Life Companion, Part 3: Communication

On the third day of our training, we were visited by an experienced palliative care nurse who taught us a few important things about communicating with a dying person. It was only the kick-off, since we'll spend much more time on this topic later, but there were already plenty of insights to take away.

❧ What are you really saying?
We were introduced to the four-sides model by Schulz von Thun, which helps you understand that communication is about much more than just the facts being shared. Every time we communicate, we also reveal something about our relationship with the other person, about ourselves, and about what we expect to happen as a result (the appeal). This model can be very helpful when you want to make sure you're truly grasping the full picture of what a dying person is trying to tell you.

❧ There is more than words
Many people at the end of their lives are no longer able to speak. But that doesn't mean communication ends there. In a role-play exercise, we experienced firsthand how much can be said through touch, eye contact, and simply being present.

❧ Don't be intrusive
A dying person's sphere of action slowly shrinks, until it's reduced to the size of the bed they're lying in. And even that tiny space keeps being entered by professionals, family, and friends. This can be distressing, and it may cause someone's personality or way of communicating to change quite drastically, which can be hard for their loved ones to witness. Respecting a dying person's personal space matters more than we tend to think.

❧ Get comfortable with feeling helpless
As an end-of-life companion, you need to get comfortable with feeling helpless. No matter how much you prepare or how experienced you become, you'll keep finding yourself in situations where you simply can't fix anything. Instead of avoiding that feeling, you learn to make peace with it.

❧ Just sit with it
Sometimes there's nothing to say and nothing to do but sit with the person, even when they're in pain and every part of you wants to take that pain away or at least distract them for a while. This is hard, but "just sitting with it" is something you can train, like a muscle. I think it might be the most important skill for anyone who wants to accompany someone who is dying.

Below is a picture of the candle we lit before our training to bring in a sense of peace. As difficult as the dying process can be, it's still a privilege. Everyone deserves to be cared for and to die in peace when their moment comes, and that moment should never be defined by anyone else. Dishonoring the sacredness of life is, I think, one of the greatest wrongs we can commit.