Becoming an End-of-Life Companion, Part 6: The Visit
I recently had my first visit to someone who will be receiving emotional and psychological end-of-life support, shadowing one of the hospice coordinators. I wasn't nervous going in, since all I had to do was listen to the conversation between the coordinator, the client, and his wife.
Let's just say it didn't quite go as planned. Instead, it turned into a humbling lesson in how quickly you can be caught off guard by something completely unexpected, no matter how prepared you think you are.
It started the moment I stepped into the apartment. I got such a strong "grandparents" feeling that I was almost instantly transported back to my childhood, to my late grandparents' apartment in Paris. That feeling only deepened when I spotted a cross-stitch of Young Girl Reading by Jean-Honoré Fragonard hanging on the wall, the exact same one my grandparents had in their living room. I couldn't quite believe it. What are the odds?
It became harder and harder to focus on the conversation between the coordinator and the client, as my mind kept drifting back to my childhood and my grandparents. A lot of emotion came up. And just when I thought I'd finally pulled myself together, something happened that caught me completely off guard. At one point, the wife said she needed to get herself a glass of water from the kitchen. I offered her mine, untouched, so she wouldn't have to get up, which clearly wasn't easy for her. She refused, of course, and as she passed by, she briefly touched my shoulder, looked me in the eyes, and said, in that gentle, warm voice only grandmothers seem to have: "Oh no, you go ahead and drink your water. It's important to drink plenty of water, you know."
And that was it. Whatever professional composure I'd managed to build up flew right out the window, and never quite came back. I suddenly felt an overwhelming warmth toward this woman, like I was a grandchild again. So much for keeping a professional distance and not projecting my own feelings onto someone else. And all of this, mind you, while the actual conversation with the client was still going on right beside me.
Needless to say, this first visit didn't unfold the way I expected. But in the end, nothing can fully protect you from getting emotionally involved, and maybe that's not such a bad thing. What matters is staying aware of what's happening inside you, and how it affects both you and the relationship with the person in front of you. I still think about this lovely couple, whom I'll probably never meet again. But I know they're being taken care of.
